Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Why didn't he call after our Date?

Dear Coach,

I went out on a date with this amazing man.
I had a great time and I thought he did too. After our date, he said he'd call. Five days later, my phone hasn't rang yet.

I really like this man, and I'm devastated that he broke his promise - I feel like a fool.


Dear Janice,
I am going to answer this question as bluntly as I can because I refuse to sugarcoat the truth for you. There are many possible reasons why men who say they'll call DON'T call. I'll give you a few reasons but read the entire blog so you can enjoy my golden nugget at the very end.

Possible Reasons Why He Didn't Call After the Date

1. ...he didn't want hurt your feelings. It's also possible that he's not that attracted to you, or you're totally not his type, and he didn't have the balls to tell you straight-up, so it's easier for him to simply fly solo by MIA.

2. ...he forgot. He could've been diagnosed with Senilityosis three days before he went out on a Date with you. You can't blame him if he doesn't even remember your name.

3. ...he's married. Or in a relationship with someone else. If his wife found out that he went out on a romantic Dinner date with you, he'll lose his video game privileges, so he's keeping you under wraps. Pun intended.

4. ...he's emotionally unavailable. He may be single, he may be physically available, but it's possible that he is NOT 'emotionally' available to you, nor to anyone else at the moment. And he probably doesn't even know it, so he doesn't feel the need to commit to anything, much less a second date.

5. ...he's a Playeh. The Don Juan of the Century who mastered the art of Copying and Pasting his profile and pics on 2,400 Online Dating websites may be scheduling 3 dates a day, 15 dates a week, taking weekends off still counts you against 89 other dates he's had in a month.

6. ...he figured you have nothing in common. Nada. Zilch. He likes Hockey, you hate the violence. He likes Mexican, you prefer Sushi. He thinks you should wear flats, you like high heels. You snore, he doesn't. Which brings me to the next one...

7. ...if you've already had sex with him and he felt it wasn't as great as he thought it would be, maybe he's not willing to share his feelings with you face-to-face. It IS awkward to tell someone they're not that great in bed. C'est la vie! Keep in mind, your version of GREAT may be entirely different than his version, so, again, don't take offense.

8. ...he expected someone different. He may have thought you were a self-absorbed chatterbox when all along durng your Date, you felt that you were being affable, social and open with him. Perception and Assumption play very important roles in Dating.

9. ...he realized he's not in a good place in his life right now. He needs his 'Space' to assess what's going on in his life and figure out where and how to proceed from here. That's right, there's no room for you right now. No need to take it personaly. At least not until he figures things it out for himself.

I've only cited a few reasons why he didn't call. Bottom line is, it doesn't matter why didn't call, what matters is that he DIDN'T, so don't assume it was all about you. That type of thinking will only serve to lower your self-esteem and sink you into depression.

It's not worth it.

Move on by not getting too obsessed with the PRESSURE and EXPECTATIONS that arise from thinking that you've had a great date.

As a matter of fact, I'm a firm believer in this...Do not walk into a date putting too much pressure and expectations (on yourself nor on your Date) of having a romantic connection right away. When you do, you set yourself up for disappointment if the person didn't live up to your unfounded 'pre-Date expectations'.

Instead, walk into a Date hoping to step out of your comfort zone, and with the intent of bringing out the BEST in another Human Being and simply enjoying your experience with someone new! You end up being curious about who this person is and you subconsciously stop being nervous and self-conscious. Just have fun with it.

Last but not least, stop assuming that his decision not to call is all about you. It's not. It could be him. You're a beautiful, amazing Goddess and you deserve someone who appreciates that. Go back to the list above, move on and schedule another Date.


Love and non-fattening kisses,
Your Dating Coach


  1. Not too bad Ceil. Not too bad at all!!!
    Adding just a bit to #7 about sexual encounters, if it was a first date and he didn't call after sex, it may have been because he already received all that he set out to receive. It may be because HE did not "perform" as well as he expected to (and blamed you for it). Or, as stated, perhaps you didn't perform up to his expectations of you (hey, maybe you were nervous?).
    At the end of the day, there's lots of fish in the ocean. Just cast your rod and find another one!

    1. David, isn't it great that we are able to look at endless possibilities as to why he didn't call?

      Cheers to those who appreciate, celebrate and most of all ENJOY the Journey without the pressure of getting to their Destination.


  2. Love how you gave it to her straight. No sugar coating because our society has enough illusions with Cinderella, waiting for prince charming to save us and fairy tale stories.

    I'm so happy to see new versions of fairy tales coming out where the princess kicks butt, saves her kingdom and then chooses her prince.

    Hmm...reading your reasons...this would be a fun book for teens "he didn't call because..."
    Ceil, if you feel a tickle to play with this idea together, I'm in.
    what if we educated the younger generation on love so they have a bigger success rate in their future relationships.

    1. Rose, thank you! Yes, I think we serve our clients better when we don't hide behind rose-colored glasses. (Pun intended for dramatic effect)

      Yes, I would love to chat with you about working on a project to help Teen girls and modify these reasons to suit their age. It sounds like a fun project, not to mention it's really close to my heart since I've heard so many heartache stories from Teens. It would be great to empower them and guide them thru these fragile years.

      Let's chat.